Thing #21 – Cold Dead Throat

I lifted my hair from the back of my neck, protecting the strays from tangling in the velcro closure of the black cape. It was like being at the salon, but instead of a haircut, I was getting my picture taken. It wasn’t any ordinary picture. This one would show me my aura, and would reveal illuminating – and potentially scary – glimpses into myself.

“What does an aura even look like?” I thought while hunched under my cape. During a particularly “dynamic” evening in college, I thought I saw someone’s aura…but I also believed my feet were squeaky wheels and I needed to get to a body shop for repair. This photo wouldn’t be a hallucination. I’d be able to grasp the vision of my aura in my hands.

The aura reader gave me two metal rods to hold like relay batons. This gave the electromagnetic camera a conductor to capture my energies. I sat still and felt the instinct to smile. It was a picture, after all. But I stayed solemn and let my aura speak for itself. I didn’t want my smile to give away my secrets.

The result was a wash of hazy blues, greens and whites. She told me I’m here to inspire and motivate people, that I’m on a path of service and I use my communication skills to solve problems. She explained I had a fleet of angels working through me, and a heightened ability to communicate with them. And in the center of this vibrant picture was a ring of darkness. She said my energy was blocked around my throat chakra – the center of expression, creativity and truth.

It’s been five years since that reading in Sedona, and I’m still reflecting on what’s keeping my throat chakra energy from flowing. I’ve always considered myself creative and expressive. WTF, chakra?

However, the more I reflect, I see a pattern of not speaking up for myself, or bending to meet expectations instead of living the life I desire. Why? Like most things in our lives, it’s based in fear. Fear of judgement, disappointment, failure, looking incompetent – all that garbage that piles up in your head and keeps you quiet, and makes you believe your truth doesn’t matter.

The first two elements in the 8 Limbs of Yoga are the yamas and the niyamas. These teach us how to interact and live in harmony with our internal and external worlds. “Satya” is the yama that tells us to live truthfully. To speak our truths. To live authentically. To be honest with ourselves and others.

This one spoke to me because there is an obvious connection between Satya and the throat chakra. (I was going to refer to it as my “cold, dead throat chakra,” but realized that description would be in violation of all kinds of yamas and niyamas that tell me to be content, kind and to not judge. Stupid yoga.)

In addition to teaching me discipline and giving me space to play with my creativity, “My 39 Things” has a side-purpose of allowing me to clear this black hole by sharing things that might be scary. (Like this!) I’ve spent so much time letting ideas and truths swirl around my head without anywhere to go. I’ve been telling myself stories about who I’m supposed to be instead of just letting myself be me. It’s making my poor throat all bunchy!

Am I going to spill all my truths here? Umm no. But I’m staying curious about all the ways I can live more in accordance with Satya. I’ll continue to notice the link between living inauthentically and the corresponding anxiety that brews in my chest. I’ll take up space where I otherwise would have stayed small. And hardest of all, I’ll question the stories I tell myself that keep me from being the fullest expression of me. I think this is the expression my cold, dead throat is longing for.

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